interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
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Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.