My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
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One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
lmao
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.