me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
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yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed