barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes