That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
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date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.