hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
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Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
pictures of spider-man
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
My therapist after every session
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Good morning.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.