“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
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Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
still the best tweet of the year by far
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.