Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
You Might Also Like
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Mood.. 😂
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.