[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
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Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I only eat vegetarians.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me