Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
You Might Also Like
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Never be a pizza!
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
When he asks for feet pics