Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
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My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
This is so me 😂😂
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby