if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
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I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.