alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
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*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.