Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
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Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.