[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
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[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies