“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
You Might Also Like
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.