I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
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My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
584.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good