Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
You Might Also Like
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
President The Rock Obama
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃