*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
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Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
“That’s what” – She
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
oh u like geography? name every lake