My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
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There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
#NoRestForTheWicked
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.