‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
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Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?