I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
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ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
God has left this place
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Fidel Castro was alive?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”