[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
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I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Home is where your toilet is.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us