“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
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5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.