I feel attacked.
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I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd