If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
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He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.