Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
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Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.