I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
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[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Is your wife single?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I’m giving up for Lent.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.