*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
You Might Also Like
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Happy weekend !
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
going ballistic. anyone need anything?