Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
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“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.