I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
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My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
i actually laughed 😩
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.