Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
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*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.