Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
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Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?