“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
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What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.