bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
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“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.