Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
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WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat