First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
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My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok