I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
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What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.