no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
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I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
A leaf blower, but for people.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…