ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
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I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.