I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
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Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
i hate you platonically
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit