if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
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You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.