Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
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“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Lmao the reply