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My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!