Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
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Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Shoo shoo! 😂
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings