Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
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Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Dead sexy!!
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.