husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
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Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.