The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
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I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
#JohnTravolta
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST