my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
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“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”