cats when you pet them too long:
You Might Also Like
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon